Takeaway: Adjusting to college life can be challenging enough, but it can be even more difficult when you identify as an introvert. Putting yourself out there is vulnerable, but with my tips for how to make friends in college when you’re shy, you’ll feel empowered to make new connections.
Understanding introversion
Whether you consider yourself shy, introverted, or quiet, you might struggle to make new friends. Yet, this doesn’t mean that you don’t want, need, or deserve friendships that you feel good about. It simply means that you might need to be more intentional about putting yourself out there, and that you face challenges that your more outgoing counterparts don’t. However, making friends in college as an introvert is entirely possible.
Before I dive into some of my most highly recommended strategies for making friends, it’s important to break down the concept of introversion. Understanding yourself better can help you identify what you really need in friendships and what may work for you.
Introversion (like extroversion) is a personality trait. In fact, it’s considered one of the Big Five personality traits. The Big Five is a model of understanding personality that includes, as the name indicates, five major traits: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.
Each of these traits is considered on a scale, and a person can score low or high on a scale depending on how much of a personality trait they display. There are no “right” or “wrong” personality traits; this is simply a framework to understand yourself better.
If you identify as introverted, it’s likely that you’re more socially reserved than extroverted people. You may feel less comfortable in social situations or prefer more intimate conversation than large groups of people.
Some, but not all, people who are introverted may also have social anxiety. Unlike introversion, which is a personality trait, social anxiety is a mental health diagnosis. Common symptoms include:
- Fear of judgment from others,
- Mind going blank when talking to others,
- Blushing, sweating, trembling, or feeling sick in social situations,
- Trouble making eye contact, and
- Avoiding some social situations altogether.
While social anxiety can make it even more difficult to make friends in college, it is possible. My tips can help.
My top 7 tips on how to make friends in college when you’re shy
As a clinical psychologist offering therapy in Nashville (and beyond), I’m passionate about helping college students adjust to this new phase of life. While it can be exciting, it can also be an incredibly overwhelming, isolating time.
That’s why I’ve compiled some of my favorite strategies to help college students make new friends. With these tips, you’ll have the confidence you need to start making the connections you’re looking for.
1. Avoid comparing yourself to others.
It’s easy to get down on yourself for not being more social or outgoing. In college, you’re surrounded by other students, and it can feel like you’re the only one who’s not having the time of your life.
Social media can compound this feeling. You might logically know that people tend to post only the good parts of their lives, but it can still feel hard to see pictures and videos of your fellow students making friends and having fun.
As much as possible, I recommend against comparing yourself to others. You’re a unique individual, and it’s not fair to hold yourself to expectations that may not align with what you want, need, or are capable of. Being unkind to yourself will only make it more difficult to put yourself out there.
2. Join clubs or groups that genuinely interest you.
When you see people at parties, sporting events, or big campus events either in person or on social media, it might feel like those are the only places where you could possibly meet friends. While those can be venues for making connections, they’re certainly not the only places to make new friends.
Instead of thinking about where you “should” be or what you “should” do, try turning inward. What events or activities truly interest you? Most college campuses (even if you’re at a community college) have plenty of organizations, clubs, or affinity groups. Find one or two campus clubs that you’d like to try, then challenge yourself to attend a meeting.
Joining these groups can help enhance your college experience, and they can also be a place to meet people who share similar interests. This idea brings me to…
3. Establish common ground.
As I touched on earlier, it can be easy to compare yourself to other students. While I recommend against doing this when it involves putting yourself down, it can be a valuable tool when you’re genuinely looking to make a connection.
Instead of focusing on what differentiates you from others (i.e. why it seems like you can’t make friends and they can), try to look for what you have in common. In just a casual conversation, you might find out that you’re in the same major, have similar interests, or cheer for the same sports team.
Any small connection can be a way to transition into a deeper conversation and get a feel for whether or not there’s potential for a real friendship.
4. Find the courage to be vulnerable.
While I recognize that “just do it” might not feel like helpful advice, making friends in college really comes down to putting yourself out there.
Of course, this can be much easier said than done, especially for shy students or those with social anxiety. At the same time, if you continue to avoid making the first move, your anxiety may build stronger over time. If you’re able to face your fear, you might surprise yourself by realizing that it’s not as scary as you feared it would be.
Plus, there are other students who feel the same way you do. For as much as you’d like someone else to approach you first, they also would. Give yourself a pep talk and push yourself out of your comfort zone by talking to someone else first.
5. Focus on quality rather than quantity.
Perhaps you feel pressure to have a big group of friends in college. That may be the reality for some people, but it doesn’t have to be the default or expectation.
In fact, you may not actually want a big friend group if you’re introverted or shy. It’s possible that you’re falling into a comparison trap and feeling inadequate based on what you think you “should” want or have.
Remember, even having one good friend is better than nothing. Make sure that you’re not selling yourself short on the connections you do have because you’re busy pining after more and more friendships.
6. Do internal work to break through what holds you back.
Whether you have social anxiety, struggle with your self-esteem, or simply identify as shy, therapy can help you get to the root of your challenges in making friends in college.
Therapy is a safe space for you to openly express your feelings, worries, and insecurities. Your therapist will give you emotional support and give you personalized recommendations that can help you create lasting friendships with people you care about.
As a therapist myself, I’ve seen firsthand how making the conscious effort to get to know yourself can make students better equipped to build meaningful relationships.
7. Accept yourself for who you are.
Above all, I firmly believe that it’s important to embrace yourself for the unique individual that you are. Maybe you’re not someone who always walks into the dining hall surrounded by people or is the life of the party at social events—and that’s okay.
While all humans are wired for connection, we all have our own personalities, strengths, needs, and preferences. I encourage you to test the limits of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to be someone that you’re not.
The more you can get comfortable with who you are, the more you’ll attract like-minded people who value you for you.
Get support adjusting to the demands of college life.
If you’re struggling to make friends in college, you’re not alone. Even though you may not hear others talking about this issue, many students experience this, and therapy can help.
I support students in person at my offices in the greater Nashville, Tennessee area, and I’m also available online in over 30 states. Check to see if your state is included in my license area here.
While this can be a challenging time in life, it’s also an opportunity for immense growth. If you’re ready to get the support you need to thrive in college, I’m here for you. Connect with me today to learn more about how I can help.
